Tuesday, 7 July 2015
The Art of Falling to Pieces
It's funny how easily you can betray yourself. One wrong move, a flutter of your lips letting a long kept secret escape, a door you choose to close too soon. Or not soon enough. Each second of our lives is spent walking a precocious edge, being dared to peer over a little more.
Sometimes you do.
And your arms grasp wildly for anything to keep you there, begging to go back on what you did. Whether you took a false step, lost your balance, ran too far and too fast. Your heart stays in solidarity with the knowledge that you could have done better. You could have stayed standing perfectly and stridden confidently along that edge. Yet you fell, and sometimes knowing that is what hurts the most, because no one ever wants to betray themselves.
Inevitably, all you want to do is stay sat quietly, feeling the disapointment that settles in. It obliterates everything else till you cry to find solace in someone's arms, or in a bowl of ice cream or your neighbour's cat. And the worse thing is that it's so so tempting to let yourself become that sorrow you feel and just walk around with it impressed into who you are. But one wrong move doesn't shape you, and neither does one disappointment. They are simply things that must happen, that are written into the very fabric humanity is made from. No one is ever perfect; we are designed to stumble and fall.
The most freeing thing you can do is to remember that. Lift your head up, wipe away your tears, fix your make up and throw away the tissues and empty ice cream cartons. Learn to define yourself, and not let your mistakes become who you are. Smile and know you aren't going to quit, but that next time everything will most definitely be better. Don't forget to look for the good and realise that even when you realised you had fallen, you struggled on with a smile plastered on though all you wanted to do was stop everything there and then. It doesn't matter that you stumbled. The fact that you continued when that was the last thing you wanted to do is enough to be proud of.
That's the art of falling to pieces: the realisation that you never quite let yourself fall completely. You'll always be able to grab someone's hand, or pull yourself up and vow that you're going to leave this behind you and the next time you'll be smiling so hard you might cry. And it'll be for good reasons. All you have to do is remember that even though we're all balancing on an edge, we have the choice with how we deal with it. So run as fast as you can along it with the knowledge that when you fall, you alone can choose to stand up again in no time.