Today I'm curled up in my bed, basking in the feel of the rose coloured duvet around me. My toe throbs from when I stood on myself in the midst of all the cabrioles in a character dance, and a tiny paper cut on my finger refuses to be quieted. Mostly, my eyes droop even as I write, falling victim to the exhaustion that seeps through my limbs.
But my fingers itch for more. It's been 5 weeks, and finally my mock exams are over. It's been an experience of sitting through six hours of school, getting home and coaxing myself into remembering all I need to. History, Maths, English, Spanish, Geography, Philosophy. It's all been crammed into my brain in the last weeks, filling up countless notebooks and using up one too many pens. I had to buy more today. You get used to it, the feeling of papers being littered around you. I can open up a book and find a post-it begging me to learn the quadratic formula or a page of writing detailing the Bosnian Crisis. It never ends, is what I've learned this year. It never gets easier, either; you just learn to deal with it.
Most of me wishes they had been the real thing. I can make myself smile at the thought that this time next year, I'll have finally finished them all. No more hurried looks at the clock, or anxious hoping that they won't quiz you on that one question you still aren't sure about. Okay, so that's not entirely true. Like I said, it never ends, and there'll be exams the next year, and the next. Those will probably be worse. Yet, I dream of having gotten past that milestone in academia, because if there is one thing about me I know to be certain, it's that I hate to delay. I'd rather get it done, forget about it, and move on to the next thing. Just keep swimming.
So now I sit here in a mild haze of sleepiness. I'm halfway between setting off towards the next big event that will either keep me on my way or throw me off completely, but I'm also stuck waiting for this 'final phase' to begin. I almost feel too calm, like I've forgotten how to function without staring at pages detailing what happens at plate boundaries.
Yet this year has changed me so much. It's put me through my paces, but it's been valuable. Before, I wouldn't know how to deal with getting a science test every 3 weeks. Now, I know that I only have one choice; getting it done. It's made me more determined than ever, I think. I know that if I strive to get what I want, I can do it. Sometimes things only become impossible when you make them, and that's why I try to throw myself into everything I can. Because the unwillingness to ever regret is much greater than a fear of heights or whatever may strike me at that moment.
So yes, I've changed. The funny thing is, I see that not just in myself, but in the things I read too. I yearn for questions and answers, for the stories that will turn my head to make me think. I think it makes me pickier with what I'll read too, because I no longer feel satisfied with books that don't do that for me. I want eloquent plot lines that I'll never guess, words to make me reach for a dictionary and messages that will make me cry with fulfilment. It's a lot to ask for, but I'm willing to search relentlessly.
Of course, I'm still going to bury myself in my love for YA. Anyone who says that books in this genre don't do the above needs to come see me for a recommendation list- you just have to look in the right places, and sometimes read a book that won't teach you anything but WILL make you squeal with fun. Nevertheless, I want to venture into adult literature, along with classics and whatever else you have to throw at me. That's your reward for making it through such a long winded post- you get to shower me with book recommendations! For now, I'll be starting with To Kill a Mockingbird, Life After Life and Chronicle of a Death Foretold, but like always- I want more. :)